I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
