Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
