fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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