if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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