I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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