flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize