I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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