Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
