What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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