Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
