How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
