I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
