Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
