the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
