woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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