A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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