Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
