she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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