I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
