Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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