I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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