ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
