is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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