I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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