I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
