11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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