Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
