Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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