Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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