Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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