This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize