She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
