TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
