She is in my trunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
