I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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