My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
