My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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