two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
