There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
