I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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