textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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