The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
