Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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