My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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