just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
