I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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