What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
