I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
