I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
