Only a mothe r could love this liver
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
