He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
