i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
