You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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