Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's the barista slut.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
