Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
