I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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