Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
