guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
